Seriously, who trades a billionaire brawl for cage fights? Only Donald Trump, folks! While the world’s still reeling from his nuclear-grade Twitter war with Elon Musk, the commander-in-chief is ditching the drama for UFC 316 this Saturday. Forget Silicon Valley—this weekend, it’s all about Newark, knockouts, and that sweet, sweet octagon chaos.

PRESIDENTIAL PRIORITIES: BEEFS VS. BANTAMWEIGHTS

In Trump’s 48-hour feud with Musk, these two were throwing digital haymakers faster than a heavyweight gassed in round five. But the second UFC 316 tickets landed? Peace out, Elon! The White House confirmed Trump’s ditching the keyboard wars for live violence. Smart move—you can’t beat real-life cage rage.

TRUMP’S UFC HABIT: MORE RELIABLE THAN TAX RETURNS

This ain’t the prez’s first rodeo. He’s been front-row for UFC 309 in New York and UFC 314 in Miami—where he actually brought Musk along. That awkward reunion’s off tonight! Trump’s UFC addiction runs deep thanks to Dana White, his ride-or-die since the Apprentice days. Joe Rogan and fighters like Colby Covington and Jorge Masvidal back him too, but Conor McGregor takes the crown. That man visited the Oval Office and caught political fever faster than a Vegas flu!

Speaking of McGregor—his White House trip turned him into a wannabe politician. But let’s be real: running a country makes dodging Khabib’s punches look easy. That man couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery, or maybe that is one thing he could do actually.

SATURDAY’S MAIN ATTRACTIONS: TITLES AND ABSENCES

UFC 316’s headliner? Merab Dvalishvili vs. Sean O’Malley rematching for bantamweight gold. Then Julianna Peña defends her belt against Olympic terror Kayla Harrison. Harrison just survived cutting to 135 pounds—a diet so brutal it’d make a sumo wrestler cry.

Trump’s arrival strategy? Fashionably late, per usual. He’ll stroll in during the main card’s tail end, avoiding prelims like expired milk. But one thing’s guaranteed: Musk stays home. That bridge isn’t just burned—it’s demolished.