So Dustin Poirier’s hanging up the gloves after UFC 318 and his grand retirement plan is to get absolutely jacked on steroids? What kind of mid-life crisis blueprint is this bloke following? The Louisiana native has announced he’ll be stepping into the octagon one final time against Max Holloway in New Orleans, and apparently his post-fighting bucket list includes a pharmaceutical shopping spree that would make a bodybuilder blush.

Let’s be brutally honest here – Poirier’s had one hell of a career. The man’s fought everyone worth fighting at lightweight, collected scalps from Conor McGregor twice, and somehow managed to maintain his dignity in a sport that regularly turns grown men into social media drama queens. His resume reads like a who’s who of lightweight royalty: Gaethje, Alvarez, Pettis, Chandler – proper fighters who could knock your block off without breaking a sweat.

The Steroid Confession That Broke the Internet

During his chat with ESPN, Poirier dropped this absolute gem: “This will be the last time I’m ever 155 pounds in my life. I’m getting on steroids. Once USADA stops knocking on my door and I lay the gloves down, I’m getting jacked.” Now, whether he’s taking the piss or being deadly serious remains to be seen, but you’ve got to admire the man’s honesty. Most retired fighters spend their time talking about ‘giving back to the community’ – this mad bastard’s planning to turn himself into a walking experiment.

The Holloway Trilogy Nobody Asked For

This third fight with Holloway is interesting timing for a farewell tour. Poirier’s already beaten Max twice – once by submission when they were both featherweights scrapping for recognition, and again for the interim lightweight title when both men were at their absolute peak. It’s like watching a rerun of a film you’ve already seen twice.

The New Orleans setting adds a nice touch of poetry to proceedings as Poirier gets to bow out in front of his home crowd, probably with half of Louisiana screaming their lungs out for their local hero. There’s something beautifully American about a fighter’s final stand happening in his backyard, surrounded by people who’ve watched him climb from nobody to somebody.

USADA’s Retirement Gift

The timing couldn’t be more perfect, really. USADA’s been breathing down fighters’ necks for years, testing them more frequently than a paranoid headmaster checks for contraband. Once you’re retired, though, you could inject yourself with elephant tranquilizer and nobody would bat an eyelid. Though, you’ve got to wonder what USADA thinks about fighters openly discussing their post-retirement drug plans. They’ve spent years chasing these athletes around like bloodhounds, showing up at ungodly hours with their little cups and clipboards. Now Poirier’s basically giving them the finger and announcing his intentions openly to break the rules the moment he’s out of their jurisdiction.

The man’s fought at the highest level for over a decade, absorbed enough punishment to fell a rhinoceros, and somehow maintained his sanity in a sport that regularly drives people mental. If he wants to spend his retirement looking like a Marvel character, that’s his prerogative. At least he’s being honest about it instead of pretending he’s going to achieve it through yoga and quinoa.

The Hall of Fame Question

Poirier’s career certainly merits Hall of Fame consideration. The man’s been in wars that would make Spartacus wince, shown heart that would make a lion jealous, and conducted himself with class in a sport that often rewards the opposite. His trilogy with McGregor alone probably secured his legacy, but throw in victories over legitimate killers like Gaethje and Alvarez, and you’ve got a resume that belongs in any hall of fame worth its salt.

What do you think about Poirier’s retirement plans – is he serious with the steroid talk, or is he bluffing?