The Human Backpack Strikes Again
Round 1 saw Suga Sean attempt fancy kicks before inevitably ending up pinned against the cage. By Round 3, Merab was practically taking selfies from O’Malley’s back before locking that North-South choke. The Georgian’s wrestling is so dominant that it was only going to end one way as O’Malley spent 15 minutes being smothered by Eastern European pressure.
Harrison’s Judo Chop Shop
Meanwhile, as we also predicted, Kayla Harrison turned Julianna Peña into her personal judo dummy. After Peña tried illegal upkicks – because nothing says ‘champion material’ like fouling when you’re losing – Harrison folded her like a cheap lawn chair with a second-round kimura. Then came the real show: Harrison dragging Amanda Nunes from the crowd for an impromptu challenge. Watching Nunes accept was like seeing a lioness shrug at a hyena’s bark. These two will headline a future card where someone’s legacy gets eaten.
Elsewhere on the main card, Joe Pyfer outpointed Kelvin Gastelum in a fight so tedious fans started checking their Uber receipts. Mario Bautista and Patchy Mix traded pillow punches until the judges intervened. Only Kevin Holland brought fireworks, D’arce choking Vicente Luque so fast it made the PPV fee feel slightly less criminal.
Trump’s Cage Side Circus
Donald Trump arriving with Dana White while ‘USA’ chants erupted made the whole spectacle feel less like elite combat sports and more like a WWE audition tape. His entourage included Mike Tyson, Ivanka, and Marco Rubio – a guest list resembling a rejected Avengers lineup. And, during Dvalishvili’s walkout, fans tumbled over railings like drunk lemmings!
Prelims featured Joshua Van TKO’ing Bruno Silva after surviving early leg kicks. Azamat Murzakanov flattened Brendson Ribiero in under three minutes – quicker than most men assemble Ikea furniture. The real comedy was Andreas Gustafsson mauling Khaos Williams for three rounds while the crowd booed louder than a cat in a bathtub. At least Joosang Yoo’s 28-second KO spared us prolonged suffering.
So UFC 316 gave us recycled main event results, political theatre, and Harrison-Nunes teases. But honestly, which fighter deserves more criticism – O’Malley for his Groundhog Day performance or Peña for attempting illegal kicks while getting dominated?
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